forced freedom

It's so strange, how time changes everything....

It's been roughly two months since I posted here, and so much has changed.  I actually moved a few weeks ago, and have been working to get settled in since that time.  I had this plan to be all smart and whatnot when I moved, and sell all the furniture I knew I would be replacing prior to said move, to make everything easier.  The problem, though, is that I now have basically no furniture.  I'm serious. I currently own a bed, a sofa, a bedside table and an end table.  Don't get me wrong, it's nice to not have that sitting around and trying to work around that in 600 square feet.  But it also means that, until I start getting the new furniture in, I'm basically living out of packing tubs.  As a minimalist, I love having the extra space, but as someone who likes to stay reasonably organized, I also feel alittle like I'm living in a barely-controlled state of chaos at the moment.  The good news is that I'm about 2/3 of the way through building a set of 'built-in' bookcases for my living room, and that alone will make a huge difference. (I'll post photos when I have it up and running!)

Xander has finally settled in and gotten into a routine and comfortable at the new place. We're still working out a few of the kinks, but that's to be expected.

All in all, though, being back at the farm has been really good for me.  I'm happier overall than I have been in awhile.  I didn't have internet access for the first couple of weeks, which (although frustrating in the moment) gave me time to step back and think, take inventory, and realize that what I want most right now is to be inspired & to create.  To be in nature more, live more, and live wholeheartedly.

This always seems to happen to me as we start into Fall; I find my stride, the balance I have been missing all during the summer months.

All of this clarity has actually helped me make decisions about a few other things as well.  Firstly, my day job.  I was actually let go at the end of last week because the position was being eliminated and outsourced.  Now, I won't deny that I have financial worries creep in here and there.  But honestly? I'm kindof relieved.  Maybe I shouldn't be; I don't know.  At the end of the day, even though I (mostly) loved my work, the company wasn't a good fit for me.  I could freak out at the loss of financial security.  But I just don't see the point.  I'm actually happy right now, so why not enjoy that? Why not enjoy the new opportunities before me?  Ultimately, I know exactly what I want to do, but more on that in a minute.  In the meantime, I still have to pay the bills, but I need to find something that allows me to be work creatively.

So onto that whole "I know exactly what I want to do" thing.  If you've followed me for awhile or come over from my other site, you know that I'm an artist.  But I also write and want to inspire people, be inspired myself.  And I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm tired of hiding pieces of myself.  

Having this space -- this blog -- has given me the headspace I needed to figure everything out and get clear on where I want to take this life.

But I don't want to splinter myself anymore and send pieces of me in all different directions.  In the coming weeks, I will (technically) be letting go of this blog space.  Notice I said technically.  Because what I've actually done is to roll this and my other site into one.  A blog and website that is holistic, bringing all of me together.  I don't know what will come of it, but I know this is something I have to do.

My words for 2014 were simplicity and deep dive, and these are things I've been working to manifest all year.  I've moved, cleaned out & simplified my daily life, and I'm working to simplify my online life. I've let go of Facebook for business and am considering letting go of a couple of other things.

The new website has been re-branded under ExploringCanvas.com, and I'd love to have all of my readers here come over and visit.   Please note that this just happened a few days ago; it will be a bit of a process over the next couple of weeks, so it's not completely perfect yet, but rather a work in progress.

See you there.

xo -

candace

tuning out the noise

The last couple of months have been such a blur. 

I've been clearing out, cleaning out, and clearing up old life issues to make room for all the good things I want to bring into my life.  This means clearing out both the physical AND mental gunk. 

For me, at least, it's such an internal process, and something I don't think I can completely explain.  Throughout this process, I've had my eyes opened to a few truths and have gotten clear on a few things I know to be true.  Namely:

• You create your own life. Always. No exceptions. 
• Shitty things happen in life to test you so you know what you're made of and how strong you are. 
• No matter how much you love or care about someone, or want them in your life, sometimes you have to let go.  For you and them. 
• I believe in soul mates, but I don't believe it's always a romantic partner.  It may not even be a person.  I believe you can have more than one. 
• Xander is very definitely one of mine. 

• You have to do the work to have the life  you want. 
• But you also have to know when to step back, let go and let flow. 
• Spending time in nature is crucial for my soul. 
• True friends will often stand out like a beacon when you need them most.  If you're honest with yourself, it's easy to see who they are. 

It's funny the directions all this self-exploration can take you in. 

 
I believe that things often find you when they're supposed to.  Today I was reading a blog post from Kris Carr, where she asked what nurturing advice you would give your younger self.  Admittedly, hindsight is 20/20, but I think there's value in looking back at the things that used to concern you as a child or teen, and the lessons you've learned throughout life.  So, in that vain, if I could give my younger self some nurturing advice, this is what I would tell her:

• It may sound cliché, but it really does get so much better. 
• Don't worry about what people think about you.  Put your energy instead into living fully as yourself.  There's a good chance you'll never see these people again anyway. 
• No one's love or acceptance will replace the love and acceptance you have for yourself. 
• Just because you aren't like your mother or sister, gregarious and extroverted, doesn't make you less or mean something is wrong with you.  You're just not them, and that's more than okay. 
• All of the things you shame about yourself now are the things you will come to love about yourself later. 
• You have an inner strength that kindof rare, and will surprise even you. 

So that's what I want to leave you with today.  My reflections and lessons. What are yours?

xo-
Candace

creating myself

Holy hell... has it really been over a month since I posted here??? Sorry 'bout that.

I finished a course a couple of weeks ago (highly recommend, btw) and I've just been letting it sink in since then, to be honest.  I've also been doing lots of little 'life cleanup' things.

Oh, just as the course was ending, I got rid of my TV.  (Full disclosure, I've never been a big TV watcher.)  That said, I don't miss it at all.  I thought there might be a slight period of adjustment, but it's been fine.  You would be shocked at how much other stuff I've gotten done.  It's created this sense of space and I feel like I have so much more time!

With this new-found sense of freedom and time, I've been really trying to commit to  surrounding myself with a lot of creative energy.  My own, and that of others.

I'd love to say I've been getting outside more, but that's not necessarily true.  See, here in the South, we had a couple of weeks of glorious Spring weather, but it would appear that that is over and we're into Summer already. (We've already had temps in the 90s, if that tells you anything.)

On the art front, I've started a new series of abstract paintings.  Yes, most of my work is abstract, but these are pure abstraction and really embrace that sorta rough, textured quality.  It's been nice to take a break from what you usually do and change it up.  I feel like changing things up when they feel stagnant gives me art new life. See, that's the thing I LOVE about working in abstraction; there is so much freedom in it.  You can be structured, rough & tumble, or totally free.  Sometimes all in one painting.  I can't wait to unveil them!  Hopefully in the next week or two here.

If you've followed me for awhile, you know I'm also doing lots of prep work for my move at the end of the summer.  Since I'm going from about 1,200 square feet to closer to 600 square feet, it's been a lot of culling out and getting down to the basics & things that mean a lot to me.  Some may see this as going backwards or deprivation, but I see it as getting closer to my core self and what I want my life to be.

I'm super excited to be moving out to the country, and be surrounded by nature again.  That's one of the biggest detractors to living in a city (at least, mine); I miss being able to walk out my door into nature.  The flip side of that, of course, is that you have to make the pilgrimage into the city if you want to go see a show/go out to dinner/etc.

With all that, you're pretty much caught up on my life at the moment.  I'll try to do a better job going forward on updates.  And, once I get the final adjustments made on my biz website, I'll be sharing that with you here as well, so keep an eye out!

Oh, and Xander says hello ;)

xoxo -

Candace

sowing seeds

"The history of the world begins with a seed.  The seed is the kernel of what you are, but it is also the promise of what you can become."  - Kate Elliott, Cold Steel

As I'm writing to you, a typical Southern Spring storm is rolling in.  You can barely see it on the horizon, but you can feel it in the air.  The humidity, the clash of cool & warm air, thunder in the distance.  It's only a matter of time.

I'm about 2 weeks into this class where we are analyzing fairy tales, breaking them apart in order to reconstruct and rewrite our own.  Today we were talking about seeds and part of the assignment was to do a meditation on seeds and their connection to transformation.

 

If you follow me on Pinterest, you know that I have an affinity for seeds & pods.  Their form is fascinating to me.  But have you ever really thought about seeds and the process they go through?  

They start out as this tiny little thing, an entire life lying dormant in this body that is little more than a speck.  But a seed can't stay a seed; it has to transform.  Once placed in the soul, it only has two choices: germinate & sprout into a seedling, or stay as it is & continue lying dormant.  Seeds go through these cycles -- seed, seedling, young plant, flowering/producing plant, wither and go dormant again.  In order to grow, they have to transform.

But this transformation requires balance.  If you think about it, the seed also has to have balance to grow.  It has to be placed in the earth.  It needs water, oxygen and the heat from the sun to grow.  All four elements have to be present, in the perfect balance, to bring the seed to fruit. 

Transformation is the same way.  You have to have a balance for the transformation to come about and to be able to recognize it.  That means that you have to have a balance of action, time to relax, time to be inspired, and time to be introspective. 

This transformation has been lying dormant in me for a long time, and I think it's ready to germinate and grow.  Analyzing may seem to you to have no real connection here, but it does.  It starts you thinking.  It makes you touch on the things that are easier kept in the dark. The parts of yourself and your life that you have strategically buried, so you don't have to look to closely.  

During my meditation, I realized that I alone can make transformation occur.  I can't keep waiting for the blooming of flowers of which I have yet to sow seeds (paraphrasing a quote by Steve Maraboli).  I need to create space to sort things through for myself.  

Transformation takes time; it can't be rushed.

As any gardener knows, plants are ready for harvest when they're ready, not when you want them to be.  They come about in their own time.  So is the way of transforming the proverbial straw into gold. 

You can just feel when transformation is occurring.  Something inside just feels like it's starting to break open.  And that's what this class has done: it has broken me open.  I think you often have break apart in order to rebuild and become something better.

Much love -

Candace

tons of bricks

It's been a strange couple of weeks.

On the one hand, things are looking up. I've already accomplished two of my big goals for the year (first, finding a new home, and second, finding a new day job).  And since those are two BIG things off my plate, it frees me up to focus on other things.  Art stuff, biz stuff, life stuff.

In my experience, any time you are in a transition, there's a bit of joy & excitement at the new opportunities to come, and a bit of sadness.  And sometimes, as is the case now, there are the moments of "I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that anymore!"

Change begets change.  When you make changes in one area of your life, it's bound to bring change in other areas that you didn't anticipate.  The clarity that comes with those big changes often sheds light on things that you know deep down in your heart of hearts, but try oh-so-hard to pretend you don't see.  In others as well as yourself. 

I've realized, just this week, that I have some of the most amazing people in my life, and I'm slowly bringing in more like-minded people.  Now the flipside, of course, is that I'm also realizing that some people & relationships have to be released, transformed, or otherwise minimized in order for em to reap the rewards & enjoy all the gorgeous people I'm meeting.  (I kinda love/hate that moment of realization.  You know it's what needs to happen, but it's hard to let go of who you want someone to be.)

As I've said before, my words for 2014 are simplicity and deep dive.  Getting rid of the dead weight so I can lighten the load & make room for deep diving into the things & relationships that I love & that fill me up, that make me happy.  That not only allow me to be me, but honor & celebrate that.

I was reading a blog earlier today and, when scrolling through the comments, found something that I just had to share:

"I always feel when I'm ... closer to my creative self, I'm closest to the person I truly am under all the layers that life causes you to build up around you."

Ya know when you find something that someone has said that resonates so deeply within your soul that the only way you can express it is to quote them?  This was my ton of bricks for the day.

Instead of trying to figure out how to let something go, just create.  Your soul will work it out.  Tweet that!

That's my new mantra. 

Besos -
Candace